The more you have, the more you stand to lose. 

I believe that a sense of abandonment can come from so many places, your parents got divorced, or someone left you- blindsided. It comes from building your life around someone and thinking this is the my solid ground, this is the point I can always return to when things get crazy, this is who I am. To have someone pull away from that, quiet rapidly leaves you reeling from the loss and ultimately extremely confused about life and where you stand. 

I suffer from that so badly. I think that’s where my fear of being married and fear of relationships in general comes from. I’m gonna give you everything my whole world and I’m gonna take your last name?  You get to have half of me? I’m not alone in the war anymore. I’m no longer this one whole being that can walk away scot free to do whatever I please. I’ve given you half of me and now you own half of me. Half of my heart and you could walk away at any point. That is so scary.

I think this issue goes deeper. Sure, we’ve all had our heart broken and wah wah wah. That’s not the issue, that’s not what I reel over. We as humans are quite able to get over another persons actions, “it didn’t work out” or “you were a jerk.” Forgiveness is not the question. The question is how do you as a human, with a heart, continue to function in the aftermath?  One of my good friends came from parents who divorced 20 years ago and she admitted to me that she is convinced that her husband will do the same to her, even though he has never been close to leaving. 

It’s bizarre the things our hearts carry around. Wouldn’t it be so much better if our hearts were like doggies and could only remember the good stuff?